If you have watched my ‘how I felt after having a baby’ video, you’ll know that just after Lawson was born, I struggled for quite a few weeks with motherhood, bonding and generally just adjusting to the change. Well, nearly 7 months in, I’m kinda finding myself back there again. I did not see this coming!

Lawson has always been such a dream baby, he has slept well, fed well, sure he’s had his moments where he has been difficult, but overall, he is such a happy and contented baby and pretty easy to handle – we’ve been really lucky!

However, at the moment, he seems to have turned into a completely different child! I’m putting it down to developmental leaps and teething mostly, and potentially some separation anxiety, but the last 4 weeks have been really tough. If I’m honest, I feel like I’m getting to know a different baby. He’s harder to entertain, he cries at the tiniest things and generally he’s a lot more demanding than he has been previously.

Let’s look at it from Lawson’s perspective though (mainly for my benefit!) In the last 4 weeks, he has transitioned to eating 3 meals a day; he has learned to roll over and constantly practices this and is being really active; he has started sleeping on his tummy; he desperately wants to crawl and explore but his body isn’t quite there yet. That’s just to name a few! He is going through an awful lot at the moment, his developments are absolutely rapid, and to be honest I think it’s taking us both a bit of time to catch up.

I just feel like the pressure, the overwhelm, the exhaustion that motherhood brings has really got on top of me lately. I find it hard to constantly push through and I feel like I’m on the go ALL. THE. TIME. Feeding, sterilising, nappy changing, bathing, cleaning the house, battling for naps. I could go on! I don’t feel like I get any time to myself, and I don’t feel like I’m getting enough rest. Basically I am run down. I’m tired. I’m frustrated because I thought motherhood was supposed to get easier. It’s getting harder! (Just wanted to add a little side note here that I do have an AMAZING husband who is so supportive and hands on with Lawson – I am thankful for him every single day!)

And all of this is made all the more emotional because of the sheer heartbreaking love I feel for Lawson. Writing this makes me feel guilty. Making my breakfast while he plays, and proceeding to then eat my breakfast while he watches looking heartbroken, makes me feel guilty! Every time I do ANYTHING for myself, I feel guilty.

I don’t really know where the image of this ‘perfect mother’ has come from. I feel like I am supposed to spend every moment he’s awake with him, but if you do that when the heck do you get anything done?! (That’s a genuine question!)

Another thing that I’ve really been struggling with (and I think a lot of mums struggle with) is comparing myself to other mums, and second guessing my decisions. Again, I write this for my benefit. I KNOW MY CHILD BEST. I make decisions, and I need to be confident in them. Taking time out for myself to relax makes me a better mum to Lawson. An overwhelmed, exhausted mother is not that helpful.

So the result of all of this buzzing around in my head is an unmotivated, withdrawn and pretty tearful Hayley! I definitely don’t feel like myself at the moment, and so I’m just trying to be as kind to myself as possible and just get through the days by making them as easy as possible. For example, I’m feeding Lawson quite a few pouches at the moment because I don’t feel like I can make my own purees, and THAT’S OK. It’s temporary! Just while I get my shit together, I need to make things easier and less stressful. I need to put less pressure on myself until I’m out of this little funk.

So to the wonderful people who watch my videos, might follow me on Instagram/Twitter/Facebook/Snapchat (I mean there’s not huge amounts, but to anyone reading this!), apologies if I’m a bit inconsistent with stuff. Family comes first. You know how it is 🙂



18 Comments on “AN HONEST UPDATE

April 22, 2017 at 8:40 pm

Hey Hayley! Just read your post and totally agree!!!! My boy is going to be 11 months next week but around 6months it was the same for me, reading your post has reminded me how I was feeling, it gets all ontop of you the feeding of milk/food/entertaining etc etc! It’s nice to read I’m not the only one. At 11months it has got slightly easier and you start to relax more but i still get the guilt of doing things like eating my breakfast (silly isn’t it) Or even when I get the chance of doing something for myself! Also the guilt of being at work and not spending every minute with my boy. I hope you you figure out a way to make things less stressful and you can have some time to yourself guilt free. Your doing an amazing job and Lawson is georgeous xx

April 23, 2017 at 8:12 pm

Hi Michelle! Thanks so much for that comment lovely – it’s encouraging to know that it does get easier and you learn to relax. I think I thought I was over the adjustment but I think I am still constantly adjusting as Lawson changes and develops. Thanks so much for your support!! xx

Katy (What Katy Said)
April 22, 2017 at 8:44 pm

It must be an age thing because Wills is exactly the same right now. I cannot put him down for more than 2 seconds without him crying. big hugs lovely, it does get better (although that brings crawling lol) xxx

April 23, 2017 at 8:13 pm

This is such a difficult age!! In some ways I do actually think it’ll be a bit easier on us once they’re crawling – at least they won’t be so frustrated! x

Debbie - Hello Deborah
April 22, 2017 at 8:44 pm

Oh Hayley I want to give you the biggest hug. I could have written that post myself. I’ve felt so guilty recently that I’ve just felt sad and upset at how hard it’s getting.

It must be all these new things they’re learning and going through. Nap times are now a battle and she’s sleeping worse than she did when she was younger.

It will get easier though I’m sure. There’s going to be these ups and downs along the way. Take all the time you need. Big hugs xx

April 23, 2017 at 8:14 pm

Thanks so much Deborah! Hope you’re OK with your little one – this is such a hard age!! Totally hit me in the face lol just expected it to get easier! We will get through this though!! x

Lisa C Dixon
April 22, 2017 at 8:45 pm

Ah Hayley, sending you a huge hug, hun. Motherhood, is tough and please know that you are doing a damn good job. Remember, you are not alone and don’t be afraid to speak out about your thoughts and feelings. Lawson, is a credit to you and Daniel. He is loved, cared for and safe. Things will get better and will get easier. xx

April 23, 2017 at 8:15 pm

Thank you so much Lisa, you’re always so encouraging and it really helps!! Thank you! x

Vic peate
April 22, 2017 at 9:03 pm

It does get easier hayley being a mummy is hard work ! Xxx big loves you are a fab mommy xx

April 23, 2017 at 8:16 pm

Thanks lovely – it’s good to know it does get easier!! There is light at the end of the tunnel!! x

Becca Rowland
April 22, 2017 at 9:38 pm

Hi Hayley
I’m sorry your feeling pretty crappy at the moment, motherhood sure is hard!!
It sounds like you’ve been putting too much pressure on yourself to conquer everything at once; motherhood, work, vlogging, blogging…
Just take a minute and think back to when Lawson was newborn, those days are tough. Sleep deprivation, body recuperation, trying to figure out your new baby and adjust to a new way of life. We come so far as new mums in such a short space of time and it is very overwhelming. If you compare now to then, it shows you, you can handle this shit! Everything is a phase and soon passes, nothing lasts long and you’ll soon be loving it again. Just do the important stuff, looking after Lawson and yourself, everything else is irrelevant. Give yourself time to enjoy all of these developemental stages because before you know it he’ll be walking and talking and you’ll wonder where the heck the last year went!
I have a 14 month little girl and 8 week old boy, I think I’m actually bonkers! But one thing I’ve learnt is to relax, try to take things In my stride more and not set my expectations too high!
Just realised I’ve rambled quite a lot now! Anyway basically just wanted to say, you’ve got this!!!

April 23, 2017 at 8:17 pm

Amazing advice Becca – thank you so much! I definitely need to lower my expectations I think and stop striving for perfection… I don’t think there is such a thing as perfection! Need to learn to embrace the chaos!! x

Emilia Hicks
April 23, 2017 at 7:23 am

Dear Hayley (and Lawson),
Thank you so much for writing this blog. You have summed up exactly how I am feeling at the moment.
You are doing and amazing job and Lawson is happy and healthy.
Torben (6months) is just moving into this phase and I am hitting rock bottom, already. I’m tired, lack confidence and fearful of going back to work in 2 months. Torben is clingy and what makes it worse is that T is not settling with hubbie and he is taking ot personally. It’s heartbreaking.
I bf and T doesn’t take a bottle or a dummy (believe me, I try repeatedly!) so I am in sole charge of feeding. I have also started BLW (baby led weaning) and have had so many comments from family and OH that he SHOULD be on purée and that he isn’t eating enough blah blah blah blah.
I am sick to death of being questioned and I am tired of justifying my decisions – I feel like I am losing confidence and have started to question myself. I hate it. I don’t have me time as velcro baby won’t be put down, out of sight, for longer then 10 minutes and I too, have lost my sense of self.
I’m sorry, I’m rambling. I just wanted to say you are not alone in feeling this, I too thought I would have my shit together by now (PAH! -who was I kidding!). Lack of sleep is getting to me and I feel guilty for holding him in my arms, as I type this, just so he sleeps. Bugger it, he’s only young once. I am not ashamed to say I get more out of these cuddles then he does!
We have made these little people, they are our own flesh and blood. We’ve got this.
Lots of love Emilia and Torben xxxx

April 23, 2017 at 8:21 pm

Oh Emilia I’m so sorry you’re feeling so crappy too! Although it’s nice to know we’re not alone hey. I totally get more out of cuddling Lawson than he does haha!! We’ve gotta take what we can get when it’s this hard!! You know your baby best lovely, I keep telling myself that too. You don’t have the justify your decisions to anyone because the decisions you are making are driven by love for your little one. No one can tell you what to do really! You do you. You sound like you’re doing an amazing job – we have got this!! x

April 23, 2017 at 12:58 pm

You are doing an amazing job! Motherhood is so hard and you don’t need to feel guilty about how you are feeling!!
im a first time mum too to a 3 month old and I am going through such a similar thing with him at the moment!
I am breastfeeding him and tbh I have hated it! He is the worst feeder ever and I feel this stupid pressure to carry on! Just found out he is tongue tied too, which explains the bad feeding!
Anyway I completely get how you are feeling and just want you to know you are not alone!! It’s nice to know someone else finds motherhood draining and frustrating!!
Milli x

April 23, 2017 at 8:23 pm

Hi Milli! Oh bless you lovely – it is so hard isn’t it, and I didn’t even breastfeed!! I salute you!! Don’t put unnecessary pressure on yourself though (I’m preaching to myself here too!) Happy mum happy baby is something I majorly live by! You’re doing a great hun – you got this x

Emma hammond
April 23, 2017 at 6:31 pm

It really is ok and I think necessary to have sometime for yourself. I have a nearly 3 year old and a 5 month old. I thought it would be easier this time round, I thought I would put less pressure on myself, I thought I would worry less about being the “perfect mother” but unfortunately it isn’t and I haven’t. I have never been able to put into words exactly what it is that is so difficult at times about being at home with a young baby. My head knows just to let it go and that they grow so quick that it really isn’t forever but every now and then (weekly) I have a wobble. I found it much easier about 10 months in the first time round. My son was moving around,enjoying himself and I was better at doing stuff then. We were a proper little team and now me and him are best friends. I read something the other day that said “mother like no one is judging” and I think that’s the best piece of advice ever. Do what you need to do to keep you sane. X

April 23, 2017 at 8:25 pm

Ah I love that quote Emma – I’m going to try and remember that too! Glad you started to find it better – 10 months isn’t that far away haha!! Maybe there is light at the end of the tunnel! It’s also good to know that having weekly (cough – daily) wobbles is normal too – thank you so much for sharing your story xx


Leave a Reply

Your email address will not be published. Required fields are marked *