If you have watched my ‘how I felt after having a baby’ video, you’ll know that just after Lawson was born, I struggled for quite a few weeks with motherhood, bonding and generally just adjusting to the change. Well, nearly 7 months in, I’m kinda finding myself back there again. I did not see this coming!
Lawson has always been such a dream baby, he has slept well, fed well, sure he’s had his moments where he has been difficult, but overall, he is such a happy and contented baby and pretty easy to handle – we’ve been really lucky!
However, at the moment, he seems to have turned into a completely different child! I’m putting it down to developmental leaps and teething mostly, and potentially some separation anxiety, but the last 4 weeks have been really tough. If I’m honest, I feel like I’m getting to know a different baby. He’s harder to entertain, he cries at the tiniest things and generally he’s a lot more demanding than he has been previously.
Let’s look at it from Lawson’s perspective though (mainly for my benefit!) In the last 4 weeks, he has transitioned to eating 3 meals a day; he has learned to roll over and constantly practices this and is being really active; he has started sleeping on his tummy; he desperately wants to crawl and explore but his body isn’t quite there yet. That’s just to name a few! He is going through an awful lot at the moment, his developments are absolutely rapid, and to be honest I think it’s taking us both a bit of time to catch up.
I just feel like the pressure, the overwhelm, the exhaustion that motherhood brings has really got on top of me lately. I find it hard to constantly push through and I feel like I’m on the go ALL. THE. TIME. Feeding, sterilising, nappy changing, bathing, cleaning the house, battling for naps. I could go on! I don’t feel like I get any time to myself, and I don’t feel like I’m getting enough rest. Basically I am run down. I’m tired. I’m frustrated because I thought motherhood was supposed to get easier. It’s getting harder! (Just wanted to add a little side note here that I do have an AMAZING husband who is so supportive and hands on with Lawson – I am thankful for him every single day!)
And all of this is made all the more emotional because of the sheer heartbreaking love I feel for Lawson. Writing this makes me feel guilty. Making my breakfast while he plays, and proceeding to then eat my breakfast while he watches looking heartbroken, makes me feel guilty! Every time I do ANYTHING for myself, I feel guilty.
I don’t really know where the image of this ‘perfect mother’ has come from. I feel like I am supposed to spend every moment he’s awake with him, but if you do that when the heck do you get anything done?! (That’s a genuine question!)
Another thing that I’ve really been struggling with (and I think a lot of mums struggle with) is comparing myself to other mums, and second guessing my decisions. Again, I write this for my benefit. I KNOW MY CHILD BEST. I make decisions, and I need to be confident in them. Taking time out for myself to relax makes me a better mum to Lawson. An overwhelmed, exhausted mother is not that helpful.
So the result of all of this buzzing around in my head is an unmotivated, withdrawn and pretty tearful Hayley! I definitely don’t feel like myself at the moment, and so I’m just trying to be as kind to myself as possible and just get through the days by making them as easy as possible. For example, I’m feeding Lawson quite a few pouches at the moment because I don’t feel like I can make my own purees, and THAT’S OK. It’s temporary! Just while I get my shit together, I need to make things easier and less stressful. I need to put less pressure on myself until I’m out of this little funk.
So to the wonderful people who watch my videos, might follow me on Instagram/Twitter/Facebook/Snapchat (I mean there’s not huge amounts, but to anyone reading this!), apologies if I’m a bit inconsistent with stuff. Family comes first. You know how it is 🙂