Today’s post is quite a personal one, but one that I’d like to air out and get into the open. I mean, what else is blogging for, really?
When I was pregnant, I remember reading a plethora of articles about motherhood, and repeatedly came across some version of this phrase:
“You will find yourself again.”
So many of these posts warned about the fact that you will ‘lose yourself’ when you become a mother. Whilst there is an element of truth in that, it always came with quite a negative connotation I think, like losing yourself to motherhood is a bad thing.
If I’m honest, I’m a bit lost.
Let me explain what I mean here. Motherhood has changed me. Drastically, actually. I’m not overly fond of all the ways that I have changed, for example, I feel very conscious that I’ve become slightly more boring than I was pre-Lawson; my social skills have taken an absolute dive because I’m constantly distracted by thoughts of ‘is Lawson OK?’ ‘Is he going to kick off?’ ‘Is he tired?’ ‘Is he hungry?’ The list could go on. Overall I’m very aware that things that were once important to me no longer hold much significance. I have a major case of tunnel vision. And at the end of that tunnel, is Lawson.
I am living in a new mummy bubble, and yes, you could say I have lost myself. But here’s the plot twist. I like it. I don’t actually want to find myself again. I am happy being lost in motherhood. Motherhood has enriched my life more than I ever thought possible, to the point where I get overwhelmed on quite a regular basis just at the sheer love I feel for this tiny human.
Do I want to get my spontaneity back and be less boring as a person? Of course. Do I want to improve my social skills to a point where I don’t relate EVERY CONVERSATION back to either Lawson, pregnancy or pushing a baby out? Absolutely. But I feel like this will happen in time. For now, motherhood is absolute bliss. I have never experienced magic like it.
There is, however, a little dark cloud that hovers over my mummy bubble, and that dark cloud is called TIME. Always at the forefront of my mind is the fact that time is a cruel, cruel thing, and that my Lawson bubble will one day burst. For example, I will have to return to work; he will grow up and become more independent and eventually, he will become too cool for mummy. I worry that if I allow myself to become completely wrapped up in myself as a mother, I might lose who I am as a wife, a daughter, a friend. And I don’t really know how to stop this from happening.
I’m interested to hear from other mothers here. Did you experience the mummy bubble? Did you ever get out? Did you want to get out?
So – on ‘finding yourself again’ ladies, answers on a postcard please.
(Or less figuratively, in the comment box below.)