Sometimes writing is like therapy. This is one of those times. This is a post that has been brewing over a few months now, and one that I definitely need out of my system. So I’m just going to come out and say it. I am SO lonely.
I’ve read a lot of posts about this before, and even when Channel Mum did their #youarenotalone campaign where lots of people were talking about this; I got it, but I couldn’t really relate to it. It’s only in the last few months when I’ve been a “real” stay at home/work from home mum, that this feeling of loneliness has hit me like a tonne of bricks.
Let me try and explain it, because it’s not a loneliness that comes out of not seeing enough of people. Sure, that’s probably part of it, and I do need to make more of an effort to be more social, but I don’t think that’s all of it. The loneliness I am feeling is because I feel this huge weight of responsibility on my shoulders that only I can carry. The weight of a house that I need to maintain, the weight of bringing up a toddler that in all honesty, I have NO idea how to do, the weight of keeping a healthy marriage, the weight of trying to chase my dreams in social media; actually the weight of social media full stop. I should note here that Dan is INCREDIBLE and supports me so much, and that this is based on feelings that are in my head, not necessarily what is reality.
The list could go on, these are all choices I have made, and I wouldn’t have my life any other way, I know how lucky I am. But the sheer struggle it is to carry everything, at the moment, is weighing me down. I have cabin fever, I feel like I’m at home all of the time, constantly feeling guilty that Lawson isn’t getting enough stimulation, yet going out feels like so much effort. I seem to have lost my motivation amongst all of the feeds and changes and cuddles followed by elbows to the face.
Lets pause to talk about social media for a sec. If there’s anything I have learned over the past few months it’s that social media actually makes us more lonely. You wouldn’t think it, because platforms like Instagram, Facebook and YouTube offer such amazing communities that I am both a part of and very grateful for. But the fact is, social media isn’t real. We show our highlight reels, and even when people are honest and talk about their struggles openly, somehow it doesn’t translate as well as a real life conversation would. For me, I love social media because it’s my opportunity to experiment with creativity and just have fun with it, but I’m under no illusion, it is escapism. When you realise you’re living your life through screens and videos, you have to stop and regroup.
So in an effort to combat this feeling of loneliness I am taking a bit of a step back. I usually turn out six pieces of new content each week, three videos, and three blog posts, which when I say it out loud, sounds like an awful lot! And I just feel like my balance between real life and social media life was getting a bit, well, imbalanced. So I’m cutting it down to two of each, for now. I’m making more of an effort to be fully present when I’m with Lawson, rather than trying to catch up on Twitter at the same time. I’m going to make more of an effort to go out and live life a little bit fuller. And I’m going to make myself a priority. My mental health. My self care. Because if I’m a state, the fact is, I’m not going to be a great mum for Lawson. And that, lovely friends, is my ultimate priority.